A decision is not a “maybe”. It’s a yes or no. A 0 or 1. Black or white. If it’s not, it’s not a decision. It’s a doubt.
“Take a decision and have the courage to make it a right one.”, her father used to say. And that’s what she did.
If only her heart would stop trying to change her mind. The gray area was not her comfort zone.
Like any other day, they sat next to each other, browsing away on their phones. The only communication they had was tagging each other once in a while.
He looked up to see her smiling while looking at a cat video. And sure enough, there came the notification of ‘you were tagged in a post’. And he smiled. He smiled because he knew that part of her. The playful and happy part. And he also knows that there exists another side of her which he can never predict or sometimes, even understand. But one thing was certain.
In a world where he was used to reading no more than 160 characters, he could spend a lifetime trying to read and understand her.
She was the one and only exception.
“Hey baby, you look beautiful.”, he said to her. Just the way she remembered.
He never used to compliment so much. But she liked it better this way.
She turned away from the mirror and went to office with a smile, knowing that his voice in her head was the only way she could stay sane.
Because facing the reality would mean to accept that he never loved her to begin with.
“The best stories come from experience.”
Well you don’t need to tell me that. For 21 years I have been trying to build the best one. Connecting the dots of the past to find a pattern. Giving the best of music to the worst of situations. Hiding behind metaphors. Always trying to fill the gaps between them, still haven’t found the perfect fit.
Between laughing uncontrollably and breaking down in tears, this blog has become my ivory tower. Where I write for myself and learn who I am. Sometimes it helps me figure things out. The rest of the times I end up with no answers but a clear head and a story.
At this moment, its like I’m going downhill at a pace I can’t control. And I have no idea where I’m going. I have nothing to hold on to.
This post is not of a story or a poem of “some girl”. This is my way of trying to keep a hold on reality. My way to make sure I don’t get hurled around in this hurricane of thoughts. My place of retreat. My fortress of solitude.
All the claps and congratulations merged into one big blur. “Smile and wave, darling”, she remembered her mom saying. And she did exactly the same thing. Why shouldn’t she? Her big promotion was finally here.
She cut the cake and exchanged hugs with all her colleagues next to her. She was blessed with some really good people around her. She smiled for them and towards them.
She went back home thinking of telling the one person she couldn’t tell anymore. She was happy with a tiny clench in the stomach.
On reaching, she saw him sitting outside her door. She couldn’t dare to hope.
As she walked towards him, she saw him going on one knee with a ring in his hand.
She stopped in her tracks. The butterflies finally broke free.
The one year and four months flashed in front of his eyes. First kiss. Late night strolls. The proposal. Comforting hugs. Soft tears. Endless joy. And now. This.
He could see her broken heart in her tear-filled eyes.
“I’m sorry”, she said one last time.
She expressed her feelings in just two words. Two words that pierced his soul.
But how could he explain it, when words were never his strong suit.
It could not have been more clear,
The calm before the storm, they said.
They said it over and over and over again.
Pushed the waves, prepared for a hurricane.
Got the boats back to the shore, kept the nets at home.
But the water stayed put. Standstill.
Clear blue. Transparent.
There is no storm at the corner.
Deep Breath. Dead Silence.